hmmm so after the crazy halloween week...
i got sick...i guess too much partying and too much alcohol
and most importantly...too much...............ehmmmmmm....to think about....
i wish i can switch my brain off for a few days.....
i wish i can stop over-thking.....
i duno, brain is kinda messed up at the moment...i no longer know wht to think
seems like my brain is at war again....and the worst is.....seems like more ppl is involved
OMG
KM thks i should enjoy the moment because they r treating me so well.....trying to make me happy....they r giving the attention and love i always wanted from my ex bfs,,,,
but odd enough, i would feel so happy, blessed and loved at that moment (when they r doing it)....BUT....i kinda felt guilty.....
it feels like all of them r doing this to get sth out of it......
or maybe they r not
but.....it gives me a feeling that i have to commit to something and i cant just keep taking and not giving....
and if i dont give them wht they want, it will make them upset
and i dont want to treat them like how HC treated me....
im actually a person that enjoys giving more than taking....
but in this situation...if i give....it might send a wrong message to them and i know i would never want to hurt someone that cares about me so much
i guess im trying to move on....and seems like im doing pretty well
i no longer cyber-stalk him....which is a big improvement....
but i do still thk about him a lot.....
a lot more than i want to....
y is forgetting someone u like so hard?
i reli wish i have never met u.....
argh...
this might sound horrible....but i reli wish that
sometime...
i wish...
i dont take relationship that seriously....
maybe then i wont be hurt everytime....
now i feel like...
whtever step i take, will not be a right move
its like if i step forward....they will be hurt afterwards if everything doesnt turn out as they wanted to
BUT if i step back, they will be upset and start to blame themselves and wonder what they have done wrong
아!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!어떡해 어떡해!?!?!?!
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take my advice: stop caring about other people. be selfish. care about you. if you keep caring so much about what other people think, you'll fucking drown shirley. you remember back in september how i just dropped off the face of the earth?? sometimes you need that. take time to yourself, hike a mountain, hike ten mountains, walk and walk and walk. find a friend and let it all out (uh, even if that's me, you know you always have me here and the offer stands - no extra unexpected emotions attached, um, except caring and maybe some hot cocoa on a cold night????). clear your head. get OUT of the situation. see it from outside yourself. read the journal i'm posting. it's for me. but i hope... maybe, you'll get something from it too. i truly hope if you ever have any problem with me or ANYONE! - anything - that you speak up. if you don't speak up, life will roll over you like a goddamn steamroller. i've learned the hard way. no need to sign this. you know who i am.
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